Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!". I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2009 at 4:05pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I arrived at work, I was greeted by my gorgeous co-worker telling me my red shirt looked awesome on me. Before I could compliment her, she added the color was fitting perfectly with my acne... I heard a couple of giggles around me. FML

by 1nfected / 08/26/2009 at 1:07pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2009 at 9:34am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why my 20 year-old girlfriend broke up with me. She was building everything she did to match her favorite TV show. The main character left her boyfriend in the exact way she left me. And the breakup email she sent me contained monologue from the TV show, word for word. FML

by micahmatt / 08/26/2009 at 3:09am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

by brokennose / 08/26/2009 at 12:40am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

by Cossack_Man / 08/25/2009 at 4:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

by Jeff / 08/25/2009 at 1:09pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

by kalazoo21 / 08/25/2009 at 8:54am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

by ElevatorThug / 08/25/2009 at 5:17am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

by 2yearsofHotSexThenThis / 08/25/2009 at 4:47am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

by MrMagicMan000 / 08/25/2009 at 2:47am / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

by damnit / 08/25/2009 at 2:44am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

by Sailorjoe / 08/24/2009 at 9:45pm / United States (Hawaii) / Work