Today, my girlfriend of 8 months and I broke up. We decided to give back everything we ever bought for each other. I gave her the stuff she bought me and when I asked for my stuff she said she'd sold it and spent the money on herself. FML

by MexyBoy / 08/13/2009 at 1:23am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

by JPF / 08/12/2009 at 11:13pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

by Ouch / 08/12/2009 at 7:36pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

by d.stack / 08/12/2009 at 7:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

by anonymous / 08/12/2009 at 5:01pm / United States (Montana) / Love

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

by auslander / 08/12/2009 at 4:13pm / Switzerland (Zurich) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML

by signupsheetfail / 08/12/2009 at 3:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

by FUSMC / 08/12/2009 at 2:01am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

by Anonymous / 08/12/2009 at 1:06am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

by SomeDJ / 08/11/2009 at 11:34pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I had to go to the police station to pick up my 42 year old dad. Why? He was caught stealing candy. FML

by ahhahaha / 08/11/2009 at 11:07pm / United States (New Mexico) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was delivering packages as usual for work. I was dropping off a large letter to a hot girl. Before I turned to leave the girl opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she just vomited all over me. Her letter was my first delivery of the day. I had to finish my job covered in puke. FML

by FedExMan / 08/11/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

by Ohfman117 / 08/11/2009 at 4:30pm / United States (New York) / Love