Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

by Idiot / 08/22/2009 at 2:44pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

by doomed / 08/22/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

by urmommmm / 08/22/2009 at 12:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

by NoCookForYou / 08/22/2009 at 2:29am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I took my 15 year old daughter driving. I yelled at her for not going safely around corners. On the way home, while demonstrating how to drive right, I went around a corner and hit a cement truck. FML

by John / 08/22/2009 at 1:05am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

by elipses / 08/22/2009 at 12:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

by mrteacher / 08/21/2009 at 6:15pm / United States (South Dakota) / Kids

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

by Ben / 08/21/2009 at 5:28pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

by jonhapimp / 08/21/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

by FilthyIke / 08/21/2009 at 4:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She's my neighbor. FML

by ostfae / 08/21/2009 at 4:13pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

by ihatelongflights / 08/21/2009 at 12:18pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

by sophistication / 08/21/2009 at 11:36am / United States (Illinois) / Love