Today, I found out that on Wednesday, when I have 2 exams, I'm called to testify in court. If I go to court, I cannot make the exams. If I take the exams, I'll be held in contempt and arrested. FML

by livin / 09/11/2009 at 2:10am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

by 0ptimu5 / 09/11/2009 at 12:39am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

by peter / 09/11/2009 at 12:33am / Indonesia (Jakarta Raya) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

by itisthedude / 09/10/2009 at 7:17pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

by Dave / 09/10/2009 at 9:37am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

by whatsmccraken / 09/10/2009 at 8:37am / Taiwan (T'ai-wan) / Transportation

Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight-now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML

by drugged_on_arrival / 09/10/2009 at 6:55am / Virgin Islands British / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML

by Udxero / 09/10/2009 at 3:51am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2009 at 2:02am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

by K-9cop / 09/09/2009 at 7:11pm / United States / Love

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

by nick2.0 / 09/09/2009 at 5:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

by Victor / 09/09/2009 at 8:32am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

by clingmaster / 09/09/2009 at 4:57am / United States (Florida) / Love