Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

by cockroach / 09/27/2009 at 11:52am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

by TractorUWG / 09/27/2009 at 2:32am / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

by Dead_Eye / 09/27/2009 at 1:23am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2009 at 1:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

by PigPen / 09/27/2009 at 1:00am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cuddling on the couch with my girlfriend when I started to tickle her, she asked me to stop but I continued. She had a reaction, and kneed me in the happy sacks. FML

by civicman / 09/26/2009 at 10:19pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2009 at 10:18pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, was my bachelor party. The only people that showed up were my best man and my father. FML

by bachelor / 09/26/2009 at 2:15pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

by NoSleep / 09/26/2009 at 10:30am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

by scarlet5000 / 09/26/2009 at 2:32am / United States / Transportation

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

by bigdawg702 / 09/26/2009 at 1:34am / United States / Love

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was 4 extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

by MyLyfeSux / 09/25/2009 at 6:09pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

by UnemployedGrad / 09/25/2009 at 12:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Work