Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

by dumbass / 10/01/2009 at 4:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

by Broly171 / 10/01/2009 at 3:46pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

by baseball25635 / 10/01/2009 at 2:27pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

by ugh / 10/01/2009 at 11:49am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, on facebook, I realized I had over 500 friends. I told my one friend and she changed her status to "How can Dan have over 500 facebook friends? Nobody even likes him" there were 42 likes, and twenty comments that said "agreed." FML

by notliked / 10/01/2009 at 6:33am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

by Ataraxia / 10/01/2009 at 3:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

by egged / 10/01/2009 at 2:43am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

by betchyo / 10/01/2009 at 2:10am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

by Garrett / 10/01/2009 at 1:58am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2009 at 1:56am / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Intimacy

Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2009 at 1:38am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

by GetMoney / 09/30/2009 at 9:22pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, and on the way back was rear ended in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2009 at 5:04pm / United States (New York) / Transportation