Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

by nitwit / 09/08/2009 at 8:29am / Greece (Attiki) / Love

Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML

by WanstinChurchHill / 09/08/2009 at 3:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

by AyDiosMio42 / 09/08/2009 at 2:31am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I went to the emergency room. Apparently, when your ex-girlfriend hits you in the nuts with a bat, it can do some damage. FML

by FAIL / 09/08/2009 at 1:29am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

by c-mack / 09/07/2009 at 8:52pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, I accidentally got ink on my white dress shirt - right by my left nipple. Absentmindedly, I licked my finger and tried rubbing the stain out. When I looked up, the Vice President was staring at me in disbelief. FML

by CMANIA / 09/07/2009 at 6:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

by ilovefootball / 09/07/2009 at 3:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

by Waheyyy / 09/07/2009 at 3:19pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I decided I would finally get up and weed our front yard. After a long couple of hours, I was hot and sweaty and decided to jump in the pool, with all my clothes on, just for fun. Right as I was in the air doing a cannon ball, my BlackBerry started to ring from my pocket... FML

by ByeByeBlackberry / 09/07/2009 at 1:32pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

by SapphireRaven / 09/07/2009 at 1:04am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

by Ballshurt / 09/07/2009 at 12:57am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

by Ex-girlfried / 09/06/2009 at 7:15pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous