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Man or woman?

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

#889248
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68989) - you deserved it (3699)

On 04/09/2009 at 5:44pm - kids - by Tim (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

#882663
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50575) - you deserved it (10452)

On 04/09/2009 at 5:16am - misc - by atang (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

#881818
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33619) - you deserved it (21101)

On 04/09/2009 at 2:40am - animals - by ferrarismyname (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

#881347
297 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38506) - you deserved it (129281)

On 04/09/2009 at 2:03am - work - by tool (man) - United States (Nevada)

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

#880527
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17774) - you deserved it (68376)

On 04/09/2009 at 1:04am - love - by skmusic (man) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

#874593
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (106317) - you deserved it (8821)

On 04/08/2009 at 5:43pm - love - by intranator (man) - Jordan (Amman Governorate)

Today, I was flirting via text with a coworker. Things started getting heated, and I wanted to send her a sexy picture. I asked if she had any suggestions. She said, "Your nuts!" She meant, "YOU'RE nuts." I sent her a photo of my junk. I offended a co-worker with incriminating evidence. FML

#869850
343 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36498) - you deserved it (89551)

On 04/08/2009 at 12:10pm - intimacy - by blizzard_of_77 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

#869824
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57553) - you deserved it (5762)

On 04/08/2009 at 12:08pm - animals - by redmethod87 (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

#869023
194 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16025) - you deserved it (90202)

On 04/08/2009 at 10:48am - work - by StevieMe (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I saw my train pulling in to the station. I sprinted up the stairs and luckily made the train. I looked around and no one was in my compartment. I began to notice that the train was heading down some tracks I'd never been too. I got stuck on an empty train for 3 hours in the train garage. FML

#868262
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53695) - you deserved it (13581)

On 04/08/2009 at 8:49am - misc - by bkeiya (man) - Japan (Kanagawa)

Today, I was at the gym with my friends when they invited me to do a few bench presses. Since I'd never done any before, I decided to start with no weights on the bar and work my way up from there. I wound up pinned beneath the bar, calling for my friend to come free me. FML

#867922
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44566) - you deserved it (20699)

On 04/08/2009 at 7:17am - misc - by MarcusJones713 (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes blamed the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML

#867771
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67216) - you deserved it (4724)

On 04/08/2009 at 6:26am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

#866665
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19463) - you deserved it (71785)

On 04/08/2009 at 2:38am - misc - by thatwasmiz (man) - United States (North Carolina)



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