Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

by garrett / 09/23/2009 at 4:14am / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 10:31pm / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 8:27pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

by carnivore / 09/22/2009 at 5:48pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to propose to my girlfriend on the Charles Bridge in Prague. A little boy thought it would be fun to chase a flock of pigeons towards me. I freaked out and dropped the 2 carat diamond ring. Into the river. FML

by sadguy / 09/22/2009 at 2:30pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went into work. After three years of working 55 hours a week they fire me by putting the contents of my locker at the front door that said "if not picked up by 10:00 am stuff will be donated." I work the night shift. I just lost three sweaters, two pairs of shoes, $60 and my job. FML

by unemployed / 09/22/2009 at 1:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

by ohdamn / 09/22/2009 at 7:20am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Transportation

Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML

by Cpt_Concerned / 09/22/2009 at 12:37am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

by mcdeez / 09/21/2009 at 10:06pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

by dontpanic / 09/21/2009 at 3:08pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2009 at 1:16pm / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend asked if she should get birthcontrol, of course I said yes and offered to pay the 55 dollar fee. She got her physical and pills and then dumped me the next day. I basically paid 55 dollars so that she can sleep with other people. FML

by charlieday / 09/21/2009 at 12:34pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2009 at 9:28am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous