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Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

#1564480
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18839) - you deserved it (43100)

On 05/02/2009 at 4:44pm - misc - by screamo (man) - United Kingdom (Derby)

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

#1563440
239 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19519) - you deserved it (78998)

On 05/02/2009 at 4:12pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

#1550190
359 comments

I agree, your life sucks (182463) - you deserved it (46913)

On 05/02/2009 at 2:28am - work - by Dunzo15 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

#1550059
240 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29784) - you deserved it (271356)

On 05/02/2009 at 2:21am - health - by breathalizard (man) - United States (North Dakota)

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

#1547759
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (68281) - you deserved it (9173)

On 05/02/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by systeminitiated (man) - Canada

Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML

#1537905
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (102155) - you deserved it (5616)

On 05/01/2009 at 8:46pm - misc - by Flipside (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

#1525413
290 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72820) - you deserved it (24845)

On 05/01/2009 at 2:21pm - intimacy - by erectioninfection (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend's mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up. FML

#1520851
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54273) - you deserved it (18815)

On 05/01/2009 at 10:28am - intimacy - by badluckdrew (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

#1519871
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55327) - you deserved it (3111)

On 05/01/2009 at 9:15am - misc - by DudeManBro69 (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

#1510421
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35841) - you deserved it (13708)

On 04/30/2009 at 11:13pm - misc - by Wouldntitbeniceif (man) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

#1500727
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56655) - you deserved it (8456)

On 04/30/2009 at 7:08pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

#1489394
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14724) - you deserved it (83305)

On 04/30/2009 at 12:54pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)



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