Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

by alphabetman / 09/14/2009 at 5:56am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

by nickname / 09/14/2009 at 5:21am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Miscellaneous

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

by thissucks / 09/13/2009 at 9:00pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

by Broeman / 09/13/2009 at 7:10pm / United States (New York) / Holidays

Today, I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2009 at 1:36pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

by Casden / 09/13/2009 at 11:57am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

by superjstorm / 09/13/2009 at 10:00am / Philippines (Nueva Ecija) / Transportation

Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2009 at 5:27am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

by beaten / 09/13/2009 at 2:17am / United States (Idaho) / Health

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

by footinmouth / 09/13/2009 at 1:14am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2009 at 10:44pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

by Tagged / 09/12/2009 at 10:35pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

by 0ros / 09/12/2009 at 6:13pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy