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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

#1791192
254 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23449) - you deserved it (79251)

On 05/09/2009 at 9:04pm - intimacy - by Jeremy (man) - United States (California)

Today, I got a new comfy duvet and pillow and was looking forward to a good night's sleep. I got into bed and was followed by my dog, who then threw up the tub of butter he had just stolen from the kitchen onto my brand new bed spread. FML

#1782445
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42159) - you deserved it (4674)

On 05/09/2009 at 4:11pm - animals - by jonboy (man) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

#1775863
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36997) - you deserved it (23666)

On 05/09/2009 at 11:50am - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

#1774504
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51660) - you deserved it (6848)

On 05/09/2009 at 10:45am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Norway (Troms)

Today, I almost drowned in the ocean after being sucked into a rip current. When I finally managed to make it back to shore breathless from all the energy it took to get back, I looked down and my swimming trunks were gone. I was crawling on the ground naked in front of a hundred people. FML

Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

#1759854
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50842) - you deserved it (5376)

On 05/08/2009 at 9:07pm - animals - by jamblasticus (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

#1753127
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57810) - you deserved it (9521)

On 05/08/2009 at 5:46pm - misc - by man (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

#1751359
263 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69904) - you deserved it (41904)

On 05/08/2009 at 4:51pm - intimacy - by stpdaziandude (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

#1749073
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50182) - you deserved it (2658)

On 05/08/2009 at 2:14pm - misc - by Aisu (man) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

#1746299
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52326) - you deserved it (5196)

On 05/08/2009 at 11:20am - misc - by Wally (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

#1744807
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52612) - you deserved it (12628)

On 05/08/2009 at 7:37am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

#1744695
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39152) - you deserved it (7112)

On 05/08/2009 at 7:20am - misc - by GK (man) - Australia

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

#1736058
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41598) - you deserved it (10010)

On 05/07/2009 at 10:07pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)



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