Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

by Loser / 11/01/2009 at 1:30am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2009 at 1:44am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 7:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2009 at 4:18pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

by franzbiel / 10/31/2009 at 8:54am / Switzerland (Luzern) / Intimacy

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

by Mike / 10/31/2009 at 12:22am / United Kingdom (Blackpool) / Kids

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

by RyanTheMan15 / 10/30/2009 at 11:23pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago "told her that I was cheating on her," telepathically. FML

by iGotSkill / 10/30/2009 at 9:32pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

by Missedtheboat / 10/30/2009 at 7:29pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called and asked me why I love him. I told him because he's always there for me and continues to put up with my bipolar disorder. He promptly said "not anymore" and hung up. FML

by screwed / 10/30/2009 at 5:24pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

by man / 10/30/2009 at 12:34pm / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

by Coach / 10/30/2009 at 9:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation

Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

by WTF / 10/30/2009 at 6:11am / United States (Arizona) / Money