Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

by SatelliteUser / 12/03/2009 at 3:13pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Love

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 1:13pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my wife wasn't speaking to me because our daughter told her I kissed another woman. My daughter neglected to mention that this happened when she came to work with me yesterday, and the kiss was between me and the dummy I use to teach my interns CPR. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

by fmldr / 12/03/2009 at 6:34am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

by WTFFAIL / 12/03/2009 at 4:08am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3 plus years, they all thought my girlfriend was a special shopping partner. I found this out while announcing my engagement. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 3:23am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought $300 worth of climbing equipment because I had lost mine six months ago, I hadn't gone to the climbing gym since I'd lost it. I went today because I was so excited to go climbing again. However, it turns out that I'd left my gear there, and it had been in the Lost and Found for the past six months. FML

by MitchellSully / 12/03/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 9:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 6:29pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 4:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

by randm1 / 12/02/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

by Furry / 12/02/2009 at 1:25pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

by ostler / 12/02/2009 at 8:27am / United Kingdom / Work