Submit your FML story

  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

#2496205
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58047) - you deserved it (6707)

On 06/01/2009 at 10:06am - intimacy - by TeeJay (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

#2482852
193 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48441) - you deserved it (7682)

On 05/31/2009 at 10:05pm - love - by rain (man) - United States (West Virginia)

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

#2480755
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39336) - you deserved it (3492)

On 05/31/2009 at 9:15pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to put my laptop on a desk when I got a text message. I was startled by my ringtone and dropped my laptop on the ground. It now has dent marks on the bottom. The text message was from an annoying friend simply saying "I'm eating a hot dog." FML

#2473573
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41339) - you deserved it (12784)

On 05/31/2009 at 6:09pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

#2464637
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47388) - you deserved it (11575)

On 05/31/2009 at 1:34pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

#2464165
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18160) - you deserved it (46249)

On 05/31/2009 at 1:11pm - money - by mooseknuckle (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

#2459648
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45936) - you deserved it (4197)

On 05/31/2009 at 9:04am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

#2456065
290 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38570) - you deserved it (23306)

On 05/31/2009 at 2:46am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which time I learned he was an attorney. FML

#2454522
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43191) - you deserved it (7564)

On 05/31/2009 at 1:45am - misc - by T-Shain (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

#2451149
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47495) - you deserved it (2265)

On 05/31/2009 at 12:06am - work - by unemployed (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

#2431161
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16178) - you deserved it (52994)

On 05/30/2009 at 12:19pm - misc - by eayers2689 (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

#2429850
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52641) - you deserved it (2612)

On 05/30/2009 at 11:18am - misc - by willieboom (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

#2427031
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41652) - you deserved it (8232)

On 05/30/2009 at 7:39am - money - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Manitoba)



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