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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen nuts, and an hole in my butt where I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML

#5021908
269 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15888) - you deserved it (66952)

On 09/03/2009 at 3:55pm - health - by keeperstride (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

#5021178
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59144) - you deserved it (22992)

On 09/03/2009 at 3:09pm - misc - by robbed (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, walking home from work, I saw a little boy crying, so I crouched down to his eye level. I asked him what was wrong, his reply was to kick me in the groin. FML

#5016488
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39728) - you deserved it (5391)

On 09/03/2009 at 6:19am - kids - by Annoymous (man) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

#5015419
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37625) - you deserved it (5618)

On 09/03/2009 at 3:23am - love - by aftermath1991 (man) - United Kingdom (West Sussex)

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

#5013382
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9998) - you deserved it (40111)

On 09/03/2009 at 12:54am - misc - by FenderBender (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

#5012990
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39104) - you deserved it (8032)

On 09/03/2009 at 12:37am - kids - by eagerbeaver (man) - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

#5003582
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19075) - you deserved it (30940)

On 09/02/2009 at 6:17pm - misc - by Math_Rocker (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

#5002532
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40975) - you deserved it (17755)

On 09/02/2009 at 5:23pm - misc - by boytoy (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML

#5001018
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42249) - you deserved it (3988)

On 09/02/2009 at 4:07pm - work - by iceman123432 (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

#4996993
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45453) - you deserved it (6318)

On 09/02/2009 at 11:12am - work - by hoboman (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

#4994251
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21410) - you deserved it (8215)

On 09/02/2009 at 4:41am - intimacy - by Mdrk783 (man) - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

#4992541
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42879) - you deserved it (3413)

On 09/02/2009 at 1:56am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

#4992534
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25046) - you deserved it (6550)

On 09/02/2009 at 1:56am - intimacy - by turdburger (man) - Australia (New South Wales)



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