Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

by BadKitty42 / 12/14/2009 at 3:12am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

by WIIslave / 12/14/2009 at 2:49am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

by sillygoose / 12/13/2009 at 10:53pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2009 at 3:39am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, the girl I had a crush on for the past few months called me and wanted to tell me something. Excited, I agreed and we went out to dinner. She wanted to tell me she had been secretly seeing 'someone' for the past six months. FML

by Anon / 12/13/2009 at 2:36am / United States (California) / Love

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

by soy_un_perderdor / 12/13/2009 at 2:14am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

by Thomas / 12/13/2009 at 1:46am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2009 at 6:16pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

by Icci / 12/12/2009 at 5:54pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

by MarkTheShark / 12/12/2009 at 12:23am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

by fuckbio / 12/12/2009 at 12:00am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 8:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible headache. I camped out in my tree house last night. FML

by B-Man / 12/11/2009 at 4:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous