Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

by Mike / 02/07/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

by Enrique / 02/06/2010 at 8:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML

by Sully / 02/06/2010 at 7:17pm / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

by dinosaurboy / 02/06/2010 at 3:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

by Bacular / 02/06/2010 at 4:29am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to a female friend online. She was typing out a story bit by bit about how awful she was feeling after being teased. I was responding with "So, so true" but because of my slow typing it appeared after she wrote, "Doesn't help being fat." FML

by Oops / 02/06/2010 at 3:17am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

by snowman / 02/06/2010 at 12:12am / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

by Crud / 02/06/2010 at 12:09am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I realized that the only food I have is four months' worth of nutrisystem food from when my parents went on the nutrisystem diet. I am not able to secure a job and buy my own food, so I have two choices: die of starvation or die of nasty nutrisystem food. FML

by Henry / 02/05/2010 at 10:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

by POP101 / 02/05/2010 at 4:27pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

by topfisherman / 02/05/2010 at 3:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my mother and I were driving through Del Taco. Instead of ordering "Macho Diet Coke", she said "Macho Diet Cock". After correcting herself and pulling up to the window, the employee who goes to my high school gave her the drink and his phone number. FML

by MachoFluster / 02/05/2010 at 2:52am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2010 at 1:18am / United States (California) / Transportation