Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

by Dreadge / 01/15/2010 at 2:37pm / Israel (Hefa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

by Sonic / 01/15/2010 at 11:50am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my father yelled at me for changing 1 of his 2 programable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, 1 is for sober driving and 2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

by Goobie / 01/15/2010 at 2:24am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

by RyanSmithN / 01/15/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

by RAHrahRAH / 01/14/2010 at 9:07pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

by Lackadaisical / 01/14/2010 at 7:01pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2010 at 4:56pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML

by light_talker / 01/14/2010 at 2:04pm / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my 18th birthday. Nobody said anything. Gillette sent me a free razor though. FML

by Lost / 01/14/2010 at 10:57am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

by Ilovelife07 / 01/14/2010 at 10:14am / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend asked me "is it in yet?" FML

by anun / 01/14/2010 at 9:06am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

by in_side_out / 01/14/2010 at 6:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

by melonhead / 01/14/2010 at 3:46am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous