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Today, I was completely wasted at my bachelor party, and my friends thought it would be funny to put sodium nitrate on my penis. Sodium nitrate makes your skin dark purple for a couple of weeks. My wedding is next week and my fiancee has never seen me naked. FML

#3418907
323 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58780) - you deserved it (16909)

On 07/02/2009 at 2:32am - intimacy - by purpledick (man) - Mexico (Nuevo Leon)

Today, I went shopping with my two sons and my wife. We got separated after a while, and I spotted my son in the video game section of the store. I snuck up behind him and playfully slapped him on the back of the head. The kid turned around and it wasn't my son. His mom was none to happy. FML

#3416455
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10226) - you deserved it (40788)

On 07/02/2009 at 1:08am - misc - by Kronic (man) - United States (California)

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

#3407899
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46895) - you deserved it (1960)

On 07/01/2009 at 8:58pm - love - by dwaggle (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was home alone in the shower when in the opening of the curtain, I could see a man in a ski mask. I passed out, hit my head on the tub. I then found out it was my dad pulling a prank on me. I almost died cause my dad wanted to see me scream like a girl. FML

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

#3390593
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42945) - you deserved it (5647)

On 07/01/2009 at 8:28am - misc - by Jake (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened windows explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

#3389497
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44535) - you deserved it (6154)

On 07/01/2009 at 5:37am - work - by Robert (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

#3386965
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5544) - you deserved it (39241)

On 07/01/2009 at 2:37am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

#3384760
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42808) - you deserved it (3053)

On 07/01/2009 at 1:18am - intimacy - by conductingfromthegrave (man) - United States (California)

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

#3380486
246 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44201) - you deserved it (17324)

On 06/30/2009 at 10:39pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

#3376550
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36648) - you deserved it (16183)

On 06/30/2009 at 8:14pm - intimacy - by SimpleSimon (man) - United Kingdom (Herefordshire)

Today, I saw a drunk guy hitting on a girl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend was there, but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. FML

#3368467
217 comments

I agree, your life sucks (73729) - you deserved it (10879)

On 06/30/2009 at 2:57pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my wife and I went shopping for new glasses at a local store, but we didn't really get to actually buying one. On our way back, she warned me that my glasses of choice should in no way be 'those big arty ones'. When I asked her why not, she told me that I 'look gay enough already'. FML

#3365761
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33977) - you deserved it (4366)

On 06/30/2009 at 1:01pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Netherlands (Noord-Holland)

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

#3361176
308 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14355) - you deserved it (83604)

On 06/30/2009 at 7:20am - love - by annoyedguy (man) - United States (Tennessee)



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