Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

by GeneralElement / 02/19/2010 at 1:32am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

by grrrrrr / 02/19/2010 at 1:18am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, there was a snowstorm in Denmark. I had a job interview, but because of the weather, the buses were delayed, and I had to wait more than an hour in the freezing cold. When I finally got there, I was told the person I was supposed to talk to hadn't been able to make it in today. FML

by James / 02/18/2010 at 11:38am / Denmark (Frederiksborg) / Transportation

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

by Oze / 02/18/2010 at 4:48am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

by Dumped / 02/18/2010 at 3:58am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2010 at 3:44pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

by Daddy. / 02/17/2010 at 3:15am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

by unfortunate419 / 02/17/2010 at 2:30am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my hair dresser to get my haircut. When she asked me what I wanted, I told her "the usual". She confused me with another customer and gave me a mullet. FML

by Craig / 02/17/2010 at 1:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2010 at 3:48pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I invited my boss for supper as we get on pretty well. Everything was going well, until my German Shepherd bit him. FML

by MikeIsMaster / 02/16/2010 at 5:46am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

by Timv86 / 02/16/2010 at 3:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

by 3Airwalk3 / 02/16/2010 at 12:23am / Canada (Alberta) / Work