Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

by wishihadpockets / 01/28/2010 at 5:24am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2010 at 2:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

by Sundendako / 01/27/2010 at 5:20am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

by pubquizgenius / 01/27/2010 at 3:24am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

by Brummsta / 01/27/2010 at 2:41am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, some girl from Colorado called me. She knew my name. My Facebook. I had no idea how she got my number. She then asks me out. I say "sure" sarcastically. She then calls my girlfriend, who also lives in Colorado. Our relationship is now over. FML

by Aaron / 01/26/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

by Nick / 01/26/2010 at 4:26pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Kids

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

by computergeek / 01/26/2010 at 4:25pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

by Fonz / 01/26/2010 at 9:39am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

by Junior / 01/26/2010 at 2:35am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I've been unemployed for a year. For the last six months I had been trying for a good paying job at a great company, who kept saying they would hire me when the economy improves. Three weeks ago I gave up and moved 2 hours away. Guess who just called to finally offer me a job. FML

by ironorr / 01/25/2010 at 7:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

by Thorin / 01/25/2010 at 4:46pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Health

Today, I got a call from my younger brother's school to pick him up immediately. He had a test today and had the brilliant idea that by telling everyone he had head lice, he could go home. I had to leave work to pick him up, and now I have to take him to a doctor so they can verify he can go back. FML

by joshua / 01/25/2010 at 4:24pm / United States (California) / Kids