Today, I opened my closet to get my uniform to get ready for work, and found the cat my step-mom was looking for the night before. Apparently, it snuck in there and was too stupid to miaow to be let out, but had no problem pissing all over all my stuff. FML

by mav3rick91 / 03/01/2010 at 3:30am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

by theholt / 03/01/2010 at 12:23am / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

by Fonzie34 / 02/28/2010 at 9:42pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, I was on a crowded el train listening to my iPod touch. As I stepped off the train, my headphones got caught on a man's jacket and my iPod fell on the floor. The doors shut. I then watched the train pull away. With my iPod on it. FML

by rybread / 02/28/2010 at 7:34pm / United States / Transportation

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2010 at 7:03pm / United States (Maryland) / Kids

Today, I visited my friend in a nasty part of town. When I saw the shattered window of the car next to me, and the missing stereo, I moved my car to a safer location. Luckily, though, I have a common car, so the thieves were able to jimmy the lock and steal my stereo without making any noise. FML

by unsurprised / 02/28/2010 at 5:51am / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

by chevysprint / 02/28/2010 at 12:36am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

by Shoe / 02/27/2010 at 1:17am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML

by sad / 02/26/2010 at 2:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

by Shinobi_3 / 02/26/2010 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

by cman / 02/26/2010 at 6:17am / Romania (Iasi) / Miscellaneous

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

by compguy / 02/25/2010 at 10:39am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML

by OmniVore / 02/25/2010 at 4:42am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Love