Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2010 at 8:43am / United Kingdom (London) / Work

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

by EwokLover17 / 03/13/2010 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Geek

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 8:00pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, after going to the doctor to have him look at a rash on my man bits, I asked him how to get rid of the redness. He shrugged and said: "Don't worry, nobody will see it other than you and me." He's right. FML

by argh / 03/12/2010 at 7:19pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 4:44pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Health

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 7:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 5:44pm / United States (Alabama) / Animals

Today, my mom told me she can't wait for me to turn eighteen so she can turn my room into a place for her to display all her antique glass dolls. FML

by heartless / 03/11/2010 at 4:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's the third anniversary of when I started looking for a new job. I'm still working at the job that made me want to get a new one and I haven't even had an interview for another one in almost two years. My Master's degree on the wall is looking more and more like a roll of toilet paper. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 1:45am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML

by stuckathome / 03/11/2010 at 12:30am / United States / Animals

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2010 at 4:12pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2010 at 3:53pm / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

by robotchickens / 03/10/2010 at 2:54pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy