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Man or woman?

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

#4810431
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60985) - you deserved it (6418)

On 08/25/2009 at 1:09pm - love - by Jeff (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

#4807185
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39687) - you deserved it (11454)

On 08/25/2009 at 8:54am - love - by kalazoo21 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML

#4805621
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22707) - you deserved it (29967)

On 08/25/2009 at 5:17am - misc - by ElevatorThug (man) - Singapore

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

#4805329
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55353) - you deserved it (9924)

On 08/25/2009 at 4:47am - intimacy - by 2yearsofHotSexThenThis (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

#4803979
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42008) - you deserved it (3946)

On 08/25/2009 at 2:47am - animals - by MrMagicMan000 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

#4803927
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14052) - you deserved it (58111)

On 08/25/2009 at 2:44am - misc - by damnit (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

#4795795
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27142) - you deserved it (6551)

On 08/24/2009 at 9:45pm - work - by Sailorjoe (man) - United States (Hawaii)

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

#4789213
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15026) - you deserved it (53247)

On 08/24/2009 at 5:25pm - intimacy - by InTheDoghouse23 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

#4784383
335 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53527) - you deserved it (18165)

On 08/24/2009 at 1:33pm - misc - by w-dog (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee and trying to make new friends since I'm new at my college. I was running after an overthrown frisbee for a touchdown. Everyone cheered me on to keep going. I ran full speed into a fence. FML

#4781635
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29093) - you deserved it (8316)

On 08/24/2009 at 10:22am - health - by AvengdSevenfold (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

#4779323
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33741) - you deserved it (16813)

On 08/24/2009 at 5:57am - intimacy - by Mattyboy (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, for the first time in about 3 years, I decided to clean my car. It was going really well until I looked down at what I was about to pick up. On the back seat floor lay a dead snake, which at one point, for god knows how long, was living in my car while I unknowningly drove it. FML

#4774663
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13420) - you deserved it (42633)

On 08/24/2009 at 12:49am - misc - by snakeboy (man) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

#4774290
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28511) - you deserved it (17919)

On 08/24/2009 at 12:36am - misc - by bobuhbeartoe (man) - United States (California)



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