Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

by kevdev / 09/09/2010 at 3:58pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2010 at 3:48am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2010 at 4:19am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2010 at 6:17am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

by newdad / 09/06/2010 at 7:21pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2010 at 2:01pm / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

by jackson / 09/06/2010 at 1:02pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2010 at 8:29pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

by noonotme / 09/05/2010 at 5:51pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2010 at 1:22am / United States (Oklahoma) / Animals

Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML

by Anonymous / 09/05/2010 at 12:40am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

by ow / 09/04/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

by stink / 09/03/2010 at 8:11pm / Miscellaneous