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Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

#3790073
210 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6203) - you deserved it (54483)

On 07/15/2009 at 11:53pm - kids - by bigdaddy (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

#3786711
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36157) - you deserved it (5158)

On 07/15/2009 at 9:53pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

#3785387
332 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66918) - you deserved it (11070)

On 07/15/2009 at 9:04pm - misc - by broooooock (man) - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

#3782569
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42205) - you deserved it (6173)

On 07/15/2009 at 7:22pm - kids - by shway (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

#3777145
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9607) - you deserved it (45519)

On 07/15/2009 at 3:44pm - misc - by far23 (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

#3776929
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45095) - you deserved it (3644)

On 07/15/2009 at 3:33pm - misc - by mook (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

#3774043
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14502) - you deserved it (28979)

On 07/15/2009 at 1:24pm - work - by kjcarey123 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got an email from a Scholarship Program reminding me that they had rejected me 3 months ago. Thanks for reminding me I might not make it to college. FML

#3772317
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42914) - you deserved it (2955)

On 07/15/2009 at 12:02pm - money - by nsJ (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

#3768794
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47423) - you deserved it (2410)

On 07/15/2009 at 4:09am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

#3768718
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54656) - you deserved it (2057)

On 07/15/2009 at 4:02am - kids - by me (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was eating a croissant. After eating half of it and about to take another bite, a spider crawled out of one of the holes of flaky deliciousness and descended down a thread of web to the table, where it scuddled away. There was a whole family of them living in there. FML

#3755395
225 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55131) - you deserved it (3363)

On 07/14/2009 at 7:57pm - animals - by homedoggieo (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

#3750994
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41684) - you deserved it (6233)

On 07/14/2009 at 5:10pm - misc - by hungryman (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said she has been faking her orgasms since the first time we've had sex. FML

#3746953
227 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42052) - you deserved it (18176)

On 07/14/2009 at 2:19pm - intimacy - by guess28 (man) - Puerto Rico



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