Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2010 at 7:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

by mrtut / 10/29/2010 at 8:17am / United Kingdom (Merseyside) / Kids

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2010 at 4:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

by ohmylordy / 10/29/2010 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

by lovegotmehung / 10/29/2010 at 12:48am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

by nonexistant / 10/29/2010 at 12:33am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

by unsatisfying / 10/28/2010 at 1:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2010 at 12:44am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

by royalscenery / 10/27/2010 at 5:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 2:57pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

by just_friends / 10/27/2010 at 1:19pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 12:17pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, at work, there is a rumor going around that I'm gay. Somewhat curious at how did this start, I asked a co-worker. He said I was seen 3 days ago at a mall holding hands with someone who looks like a guy from behind. Three days ago, I was at the mall with my girlfriend. FML