Today, I reached down to pet an elderly man's dog. It jumped up and utterly mauled my face, drawing blood. As I gasped in shock and pain, the man looked me straight in the eye and said: "Careful, he likes to scratch." FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2016 at 5:02am / United States / Animals

Today, I finished a 2 hour Skype call with my girlfriend, only to realize I was using mobile data. FML

by tye61 / 01/16/2016 at 7:54am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Money

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2016 at 12:04am / United States (California) / Love

Today, at college, I asked the girl who usually sits next to me if she wanted to team up on our latest assignment. She gave me a disgusted look, said "Um, I'm MARRIED. Creep." and walked away. Seriously, what the fuck? FML

Today, after being in a committed relationship for five years, I just found out that my girlfriend's parents have no idea that we are together. She says she "forgot" to tell them. FML

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2016 at 12:47pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I tried to send my friend a link to a really weird porno. Unfortunately, Google Hangouts popped up with a message from my mom. I didn't realize the keyboard focus had switched until I hit Ctrl+V and Enter real quick. Now I'm grounded. FML

by motherfucked / 01/15/2016 at 12:07pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

by FuckedOver / 01/14/2016 at 9:31am / United States (Texas) / Money

Today, I opened the cupboard and a bag of flour fell on my head, covering me from head to toe. Last night I got drunk, and set some booby traps up around the house for my roommate. I'd forgot that my roommate moved out a week ago. FML

by almostadult / 01/14/2016 at 9:13am / United Kingdom (Bath and North East Somerset) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I arrived at the kennels I work in to find the power disconnected and the water pump off. This meant I had to bucket water and carry it to keep over sixty assorted dogs and cats alive in temperatures over 90 degrees. The moment I finished, the power came back on. FML

by TooFlamingHot / 01/13/2016 at 9:08pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

by NeedsANewApartment / 01/13/2016 at 12:54am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2016 at 1:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

by Talis / 01/12/2016 at 8:24am / United States (California) / Work