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Man or woman?

Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML

#21313211
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36510) - you deserved it (3592)

On 12/07/2014 at 3:54pm - kids - by terdberglerforlyfe (man) - Brazil (Sao Paulo)

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

#21313160
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36142) - you deserved it (2912)

On 12/07/2014 at 2:20pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Ireland (Galway)

Today, I farted while I was in the car with my driving instructor and my partner. They couldn't hear it, but it smelled so bad that my instructor thought there was a gas leak, and he made us switch cars. FML

#21312925
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29564) - you deserved it (5874)

On 12/07/2014 at 1:15am - misc - by Gassy and sassy (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

#21312768
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38274) - you deserved it (2229)

On 12/06/2014 at 7:56pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

#21312671
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31000) - you deserved it (2958)

On 12/06/2014 at 4:52pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Belgium

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

#21312556
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28171) - you deserved it (7814)

On 12/06/2014 at 1:23pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

#21312517
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27862) - you deserved it (7149)

On 12/06/2014 at 12:04pm - misc - by newly passed, newly grassed (man) - United Kingdom (Birmingham)

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

#21311912
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29348) - you deserved it (2691)

On 12/05/2014 at 9:00am - misc - by has an old monitor (man) - Germany (Berlin)

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

#21311373
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29930) - you deserved it (12683)

On 12/04/2014 at 11:31am - misc - by Red (man) -

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

#21310030
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37287) - you deserved it (2613)

On 12/02/2014 at 10:42am - love - by braceforcarnage (man) - United States

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

#21309350
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31632) - you deserved it (9083)

On 12/01/2014 at 9:37am - love - by foreveralone (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

#21308718
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28127) - you deserved it (2289)

On 11/30/2014 at 12:29pm - kids - by Greatgrandpa (man) - Curacao

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

#21308641
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30072) - you deserved it (17554)

On 11/30/2014 at 8:07am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)



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