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Man or woman?

Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML

#21520882
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18592) - you deserved it (3247)

On 01/29/2016 at 5:18pm - misc - by I Tried (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

#21520859
239 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11570) - you deserved it (24493)

On 01/29/2016 at 4:19pm - love - by ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

#21520798
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20078) - you deserved it (1633)

On 01/29/2016 at 1:36pm - work - by Sandman2015 (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

#21520387
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22009) - you deserved it (1559)

On 01/28/2016 at 11:26am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking a dump at work. I had my two-way radio attached to the back of my belt. When I stood up and pulled my pants up, I managed to send the antenna straight up my butt. FML

#21520186
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19932) - you deserved it (4351)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:29pm - misc - by poopsicle (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

#21520051
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21027) - you deserved it (1284)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:11pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

#21520025
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22582) - you deserved it (4333)

On 01/27/2016 at 10:35am - misc - by 404: Sanity Not Found (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

#21519974
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20546) - you deserved it (1977)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:02am - health - by oliver (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

#21519928
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22184) - you deserved it (1829)

On 01/27/2016 at 1:04am - intimacy - by FullCircleProblem (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

#21519593
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22440) - you deserved it (2598)

On 01/26/2016 at 6:40am - work - by Anon (man) - United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames)

Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML

#21519574
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20392) - you deserved it (1884)

On 01/26/2016 at 4:18am - love - by CaptMacLeod (man) - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend wasn't kidding when she said that if I hit her cervix just the 'right' way during sex, she'd puke. I was on the bottom. FML

Today, after our flight got cancelled back home, I called the airline to work out a replacement flight. I sat in hold for 2 hours waiting as patiently as I could. Then, the automated voice says, "There are no available agents. Good bye." FML



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