Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted to the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

by NotEnoughBleach / 03/13/2016 at 11:58pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2016 at 11:00am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

by sick of this shit / 03/12/2016 at 8:33am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML

by GetAnotherRoomAlready / 03/12/2016 at 12:58am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

by NotASquirrel / 03/12/2016 at 12:29am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2016 at 5:09pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

by no paedo / 03/11/2016 at 3:35pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2016 at 2:44pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

by billjoebob424 / 03/09/2016 at 7:01pm / Canada / Love

Today, my alarm clock, which was set to play a certain radio station didn't go off. Turns out, yesterday was their 10th anniversary and also the end of their station. I didn't wake up to the white noise until 9. The interview I had spent 3 months preparing for was at 7. FML

by pohoon / 03/09/2016 at 2:40pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

by GrandTheftArson / 03/08/2016 at 10:51pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

by shart / 03/08/2016 at 9:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I spent all day doing a project for myself and then for a friend who's sick. Turned out it was a prank everyone in the class was pulling on me. I missed a baseball game because of it. FML

by angrystudent / 03/07/2016 at 5:47pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work