Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2016 at 10:54am / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2016 at 10:27am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

by soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass / 01/23/2016 at 2:49am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2016 at 12:51am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

by believe me now?? / 01/22/2016 at 3:55pm / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Love

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) /

Today, the company I work for lost 3-weeks worth of time sheets, so we have to fill them all out again. I don't remember what I did yesterday, let alone three weeks ago. That's why I religiously fill out the time sheets in the first place. FML

by sideeffect001 / 01/22/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (Utah) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

by whattheactualfuck / 01/22/2016 at 7:50am / South Africa (KwaZulu-Natal) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer filed a complaint against me because my coworker took too long to do a price check. I hate my job. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2016 at 10:32am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

by lambeaster / 01/20/2016 at 9:27am / United States (District of Columbia) / Kids

Today, I got a new roommate. He's from Mongolia. He has had 5 friends over for the last 7 hours, all speaking Mongolian. This is the most awkward party I have ever been to. FML

by Sittinginthecorner / 01/20/2016 at 12:42am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

by Mr_Yato / 01/19/2016 at 3:07pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate thought it was a good idea to set my beard on fire to wake me up. FML

by meh beard / 01/18/2016 at 6:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous