Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

by Shotacon / 04/06/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 10:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

by foreverAlone / 04/04/2016 at 3:40pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, my electric razor broke down during shaving. So now I have a face which is shaved on the right hand side and has a beard on the left. I don't own blades, so I'll have to go to work looking like this. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me by text for another man while I was at work. While I worked the drive-thru, a customer noticed me choking back my tears and said "I'd be cryin' too if I worked your dead-end job." FML

by fuck off, for real / 04/03/2016 at 9:26am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

by Anonymous / 04/03/2016 at 5:46am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2016 at 9:38am / United States / Transportation

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

by framed / 04/02/2016 at 8:30am / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

by titkip / 04/01/2016 at 8:30pm / Kenya (Nairobi Area) / Intimacy

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 4:21pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

by shameonme / 04/01/2016 at 3:46pm / United States (Idaho) / Health

Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 8:55am / Ukraine (Kyyiv) / Love