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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I confiscated a 1st grader's cell phone. It was better than anything I could come close to affording. FML

#21256659
154 comments

Today, I entered the lecture hall where my class takes place. I sat in the front row as usual, but I noticed that none of the other students looked familiar. I quickly realised that I was in the wrong class after a different professor showed up and told me to get out. FML

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

#21255855
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29951) - you deserved it (3242)

On 09/10/2014 at 6:40pm - health - by skinnyguy23 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

#21255774
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36292) - you deserved it (3477)

On 09/10/2014 at 4:15pm - misc - by Crash (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was replaced in the symphony I play in. I play the clarinet, and a standard symphony only uses two, so getting into one can be quite competitive. My conductor's reasoning? "I was sure you were going to college." I never mentioned college to him, other than saying I wasn't going. FML

Today, I'm staying with my grandma and her older sister while my parents are away. It's been two hours and so far they've popped vicodins, talked about banging Alex Trebek, and had a farting contest. FML

#21253639
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35516) - you deserved it (3943)

On 09/07/2014 at 11:11am - misc - by imgonnadie (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

#21253167
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36717) - you deserved it (3563)

On 09/06/2014 at 5:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, I looked at a girl's profile on a dating website, and it told her I'd visited it. Later on, she sent me a message. It said: "Don't even think about it." FML

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

#21252905
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37543) - you deserved it (2736)

On 09/06/2014 at 9:35am - misc - by UghDude (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

#21252547
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35713) - you deserved it (17138)

On 09/05/2014 at 5:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

#21252510
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38626) - you deserved it (5869)

On 09/05/2014 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by Perdito_Coño (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my younger sister ran into my room, telling me someone was trying to break in. We were home alone, so she went to hide as I took a crowbar and followed the intruder. Just as I was about to swing, he turned around: it was my dad. I had to explain to my sister that burglars don't have keys. FML

#21251987
62 comments


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