Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

by goodjobme / 02/23/2016 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2016 at 12:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

by oh / 02/22/2016 at 9:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I'm a car salesman. I got told to cold call a list of previous customers, but I recognised the names as I phoned them all last week; I told the manager this. He slammed his fist on my desk and told me to stop lying and do as I was told. I got told to "fuck off" 27 times. FML

by Arcam89 / 02/22/2016 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2016 at 2:02pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2016 at 12:10pm / Japan (Saitama) / Transportation

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

by noooooo / 02/21/2016 at 11:03am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

by This guy / 02/20/2016 at 9:53pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

by Whatthehell / 02/20/2016 at 8:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Money

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

by shubididubbitty / 02/20/2016 at 1:06pm / Canada (Manitoba) / Transportation

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2016 at 9:19am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor - whose first words to me when I moved onto the block were "I don't like your face" - called the cops and claimed I'd been exposing myself in public. His lowlife buddy backed him up on his lie. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in deep trouble thanks to them. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2016 at 7:16am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was rejected from the college of my dreams. I am now the only kid in 5 generations on my dad's side and 3 on my mom's to not get accepted and go to this school. FML