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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I have the flu, so I called my boss to let him know I couldn't come in today. He told me to think my "lies" through better, and claimed that you can only get the flu during winter. So I guess I'm faking my pale skin, short breath, runny nose, and constant sneezing. FML

#21432636
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24983) - you deserved it (1766)

On 06/27/2015 at 1:48am - work - by *cough* *cough* you're a dickface (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

#21432533
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31789) - you deserved it (2304)

On 06/26/2015 at 9:21pm - work - by Idiot says "HIPAA violation" (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML

Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML

#21432346
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12007) - you deserved it (36888)

On 06/26/2015 at 2:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Russian Federation (Moscow City)

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

#21432333
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25908) - you deserved it (2181)

On 06/26/2015 at 1:42pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Zambia

Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML

#21431508
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24039) - you deserved it (1785)

On 06/24/2015 at 11:54pm - love - by Anonymouss (man) - United States

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

#21431164
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36339) - you deserved it (2263)

On 06/24/2015 at 1:41pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) -

Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML

#21431076
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29056) - you deserved it (1788)

On 06/24/2015 at 8:44am - health - by tantanpanda (man) - United States

Today, at my sister's wedding, she and I had a plan that she would purposely throw the bouquet to my girlfriend, then I would propose in front of everyone. When the bouquet landed in my girlfriend's lap, she screamed, "Ew, no way" and threw it to someone else. FML

#21430908
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30313) - you deserved it (3134)

On 06/23/2015 at 10:48pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my boss confided in me that when a gay person visits his house, he discreetly follows them around and cleans anything they touched and everywhere they sat with disinfectant wipes. I've worked for him for 7 years but he doesn't know I'm gay. FML

#21430685
114 comments

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

#21430214
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25065) - you deserved it (4776)

On 06/22/2015 at 4:58pm - health - by oh no (man) - United States (California)

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

#21429629
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19456) - you deserved it (7511)

On 06/21/2015 at 4:42pm - work - by ihateloopholes (man) - Lebanon (Beyrouth)

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

#21429443
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26210) - you deserved it (1606)

On 06/21/2015 at 9:29am - misc - by cwell88 (man) -



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