Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2016 at 6:17am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

by the fuck? / 03/05/2016 at 4:49am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my dad thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask my girlfriend how many guys she screwed before me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/05/2016 at 12:57am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2016 at 3:22pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2016 at 3:49am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

by WretchedOwls / 03/03/2016 at 6:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, my mother told me I wasn't worth the 13 hours it took for her to give birth to me. All because I beat her in Parcheesi. FML

by mamano / 03/03/2016 at 10:29am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

by thesixth / 03/02/2016 at 1:53pm / Kenya / Work

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2016 at 12:54pm / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

by thesixth / 03/01/2016 at 2:07pm / Kenya / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken by the sound of music coming from my living room at 1:30 am. My cat had managed to turn on the stereo and turn the volume all the way up. Just as I fell asleep again, there was a knock at the door. The police showed up about a noise complaint. FML

by elguapo3745 / 02/29/2016 at 1:20pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

by blarghhhh / 02/28/2016 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Health