Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

by Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow / 05/29/2016 at 4:06pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 1:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

by yamblam5 / 05/28/2016 at 11:32pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

by scarred for life / 05/28/2016 at 1:23am / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

by Disappointed / 05/26/2016 at 4:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

by NittanyMangini / 05/26/2016 at 12:37pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

by Spongebob Garypants / 05/25/2016 at 10:05pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Animals

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

by teflon_hammer / 05/25/2016 at 7:19pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I felt an itch on my neck. naturally, I scratched it. After about 5 minutes of scratching, I realized that I've been scratching a dead fly on the back of my neck. FML

by Hamden824 / 05/25/2016 at 4:04pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 1:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

by Ban Hammered / 05/25/2016 at 6:35am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

by mumblingdope / 05/25/2016 at 4:52am / Indonesia (Jakarta Raya) / Miscellaneous

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

by awkwardballer / 05/24/2016 at 12:53pm / Work