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Man or woman?

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

#21259366
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38136) - you deserved it (2505)

On 09/16/2014 at 10:34am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

#21258902
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26536) - you deserved it (7978)

On 09/15/2014 at 5:37pm - misc - by imamess (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

#21258820
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33320) - you deserved it (3495)

On 09/15/2014 at 2:48pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Liverpool)

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

#21258420
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34133) - you deserved it (2546)

On 09/14/2014 at 11:07pm - work - by nocat6 (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I went deep-sea fishing with my friends. I told them my new phone case is waterproof, and I showed them by pouring a bit of water on it. My friend decided to throw it in the water for a better example. The case didn't float. FML

#21258099
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40830) - you deserved it (6394)

On 09/14/2014 at 2:47pm - misc - by HiImAlfredo (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

#21257946
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42190) - you deserved it (2730)

On 09/14/2014 at 8:53am - love - by NoConfusion (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

#21257414
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35673) - you deserved it (3140)

On 09/13/2014 at 10:36am - misc - by Jamestown of Vagina (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend texted me saying, "I have some Durex and want your help" so I rushed to her house. She had meant to say "Duluxe". I had to help her paint her bedroom. FML

#21257403
90 comments

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

#21257049
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38685) - you deserved it (2794)

On 09/12/2014 at 5:36pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

#21257037
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42814) - you deserved it (2705)

On 09/12/2014 at 5:11pm - misc - by he's not the one going to hell (man) - Australia

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

#21256772
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38975) - you deserved it (2555)

On 09/12/2014 at 4:05am - work - by Diachronic (man) - United States (Idaho)

Today, I confiscated a 1st grader's cell phone. It was better than anything I could come close to affording. FML

#21256659
150 comments


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