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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my boss confided in me that when a gay person visits his house, he discreetly follows them around and cleans anything they touched and everywhere they sat with disinfectant wipes. I've worked for him for 7 years but he doesn't know I'm gay. FML

#21430685
116 comments

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

#21430214
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23679) - you deserved it (4445)

On 06/22/2015 at 4:58pm - health - by oh no (man) - United States (California)

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

#21429629
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19166) - you deserved it (7429)

On 06/21/2015 at 4:42pm - work - by ihateloopholes (man) - Lebanon (Beyrouth)

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

#21429443
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25050) - you deserved it (1435)

On 06/21/2015 at 9:29am - misc - by cwell88 (man) -

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

#21429349
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25122) - you deserved it (2977)

On 06/21/2015 at 2:04am - misc - by notgay (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, some asshat ran onto the road and tried and jump over my car as I drove by. He didn't make the jump. FML

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

#21428807
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24701) - you deserved it (4400)

On 06/19/2015 at 10:36pm - love - by Ngbaheir (man) - United Kingdom

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

#21428778
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20174) - you deserved it (12242)

On 06/19/2015 at 9:22pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
242 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27838) - you deserved it (11360)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

#21427104
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25774) - you deserved it (5944)

On 06/16/2015 at 4:01pm - intimacy - by bootyislife (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, while talking to my parents, I dropped an ordinary drinking glass. After I apologized and cleaned the mess, they told me that they had decided that if I couldn't be careful at home, I certainly couldn't be careful on the roads. They took away my keys. I'm 19. FML

#21426656
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26658) - you deserved it (2412)

On 06/15/2015 at 7:07pm - misc - by PatientlyDying (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

#21426359
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27413) - you deserved it (2332)

On 06/15/2015 at 7:57am - misc - by Gagging (man) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

#21425895
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28121) - you deserved it (2967)

On 06/14/2015 at 11:37am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Croatia (Grad Zagreb)



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