Today, at school, we were supposed to say something that we are thankful for. When I was about to speak, one of the girls at my table said, "It's okay, you can say PornHub." FML

by Bonngoo / 11/17/2016 at 1:17pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

by ImaSneakyNinja / 11/16/2016 at 9:55pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

by Nightshade823 / 11/10/2016 at 2:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

by negativesoup / 11/10/2016 at 1:44pm / Work

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

by Rekt / 11/10/2016 at 12:40am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

by Sunshine56 / 11/09/2016 at 10:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

by knuckleheadknock / 11/09/2016 at 9:11pm / Work

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

by Beard / 11/08/2016 at 6:14am / Work

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

by SnapeIsGood / 11/08/2016 at 4:44am / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Health

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

by Mitch / 11/07/2016 at 11:50pm / Work

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2016 at 10:48am / Work

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

by invasive species / 11/07/2016 at 10:08am / Miscellaneous