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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my mom called 5 times and I didn't pick up due to being in class at college. I was later called to the front desk, where my mom was crying. She said she was worried about me because I didn't say "I love you" to her after she dropped me off at college. FML

#21387594
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31629) - you deserved it (3618)

On 04/04/2015 at 3:32pm - misc - by gooddaydude (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

#21387562
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28805) - you deserved it (2916)

On 04/04/2015 at 2:23pm - misc - by n - United States

Today, while at the zoo with my boyfriend, he pointed at the howling gorillas and shouted over to me: "Hah! That's what you sound like in bed!" FML

#21387442
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28277) - you deserved it (3649)

On 04/04/2015 at 8:53am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

#21387438
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27957) - you deserved it (2680)

On 04/04/2015 at 8:42am - work - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

#21387302
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34633) - you deserved it (2344)

On 04/04/2015 at 12:04am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

#21387285
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27343) - you deserved it (2755)

On 04/03/2015 at 11:29pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML

#21387249
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28932) - you deserved it (3262)

On 04/03/2015 at 9:57pm - intimacy - by lameows - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML

#21387213
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27357) - you deserved it (2138)

On 04/03/2015 at 8:42pm - health - by NotDrunk - United States (Texas)

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

#21387157
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29007) - you deserved it (2117)

On 04/03/2015 at 7:00pm - misc - by big_bail (man) - United States (California)

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

#21387117
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28812) - you deserved it (5442)

On 04/03/2015 at 5:15pm - kids - by no, YOU raised him (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML

#21387066
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26977) - you deserved it (2009)

On 04/03/2015 at 2:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

#21387046
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23405) - you deserved it (2244)

On 04/03/2015 at 2:08pm - health - by glocked and goaded (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my mom let me know that I'll have to spend my entire tax return on replacing my car brakes. The reason I need new brakes is because almost every single time she uses the car, she floors the gas while the parking brake is still on. FML



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