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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

#21520327
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23224) - you deserved it (1561)

On 01/28/2016 at 3:39am - animals - by sweetie808 - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

#21520317
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19157) - you deserved it (1252)

On 01/28/2016 at 2:02am - work - by imahater07 - United States (California)

Today, I was taking a dump at work. I had my two-way radio attached to the back of my belt. When I stood up and pulled my pants up, I managed to send the antenna straight up my butt. FML

#21520186
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20092) - you deserved it (4400)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:29pm - misc - by poopsicle (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

#21520184
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18836) - you deserved it (2716)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:24pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I took a swig of my Dr Pepper while having a meeting with my manager. As soon as I was about to swallow, I began coughing, and spat a whole mouthful all over her face. FML

#21520140
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17744) - you deserved it (3306)

On 01/27/2016 at 5:35pm - work - by westwoodcosmo - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

#21520098
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18792) - you deserved it (1223)

On 01/27/2016 at 2:43pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

#21520051
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21138) - you deserved it (1284)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:11pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

#21520041
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24837) - you deserved it (2858)

On 01/27/2016 at 11:35am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Kansas)

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

#21520005
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17693) - you deserved it (7262)

On 01/27/2016 at 8:30am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

#21519974
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20586) - you deserved it (1979)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:02am - health - by oliver (man) - United States

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

#21519950
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20785) - you deserved it (1921)

On 01/27/2016 at 2:59am - work - by NotYourToy (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

#21519928
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22294) - you deserved it (1832)

On 01/27/2016 at 1:04am - intimacy - by FullCircleProblem (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

#21519921
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19379) - you deserved it (1454)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:41am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)



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