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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

#21251846
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39605) - you deserved it (8035)

On 09/04/2014 at 3:32pm - intimacy - by candy man - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my cat decided to use my bowl of rice krispies as his litter box. FML

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

#21251632
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42189) - you deserved it (3173)

On 09/04/2014 at 2:44am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)

Today, my roommate asked for my opinion of her new painting. The same painting I hand-painted for over ten hours. She apparently thought it was a gift. She won't give it back. FML

#21251580
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36841) - you deserved it (2894)

On 09/04/2014 at 12:46am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

#21251454
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31106) - you deserved it (2652)

On 09/03/2014 at 9:24pm - kids - by adeeri - United States (Wyoming)

Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML

#21251355
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31129) - you deserved it (4682)

On 09/03/2014 at 7:13pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

#21251320
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16705) - you deserved it (31090)

On 09/03/2014 at 6:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

#21251173
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34048) - you deserved it (4508)

On 09/03/2014 at 2:24pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

#21251155
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35387) - you deserved it (3232)

On 09/03/2014 at 1:40pm - kids - by unlucky - United States (New York)

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

#21250887
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42833) - you deserved it (5231)

On 09/02/2014 at 11:18pm - love - by very punny (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

#21250852
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33132) - you deserved it (12725)

On 09/02/2014 at 10:41pm - misc - by akieferr - United States

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

#21250817
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35350) - you deserved it (3800)

On 09/02/2014 at 10:13pm - health - by soccer8goalie - United States (West Virginia)

Today, I unexpectedly ran into my boss. Last week, I'd met with him every day, putting together a last-minute presentation of my research for him to deliver at conference overseas. It turns out that his passport had expired. FML

#21250768
31 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31702) - you deserved it (2142)

On 09/02/2014 at 8:35pm - work - by theoftrescheduled (woman) - United States (California)



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