FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

by gothchick201013 / 09/09/2016 at 2:43pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time in months. Afterwards, when he thought I was asleep, I caught him jacking off to porn. His defense: "Why should you be the only one to get off multiple times?" I got off once, from the toy he used, pre-sex. He then got mad at me for catching him. FML

by kaijen / 09/09/2016 at 1:11am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the 3-year-old I nanny wanted to prove to me that he was tall enough to pee standing up in front of the toilet. When he realized he actually was tall enough, he got excited and misdirected his stream, covering himself, his brother, and me in urine. FML

by subtweetqueen / 09/09/2016 at 12:18am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

by Gottabekidding / 09/08/2016 at 8:33pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

by Now What / 09/08/2016 at 1:04pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

by fretting / 09/08/2016 at 1:02pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of a bra he claimed I left at his house. I know every single bra I own, and it wasn't one of them, or so I thought. Only after I broke up with him did I remember I lost that bra two months ago. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

by Clumsy / 09/08/2016 at 8:06am / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

by mista hunna / 09/08/2016 at 1:31am / United States (Maryland) / Animals

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

by mermaidkeels / 09/08/2016 at 12:54am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

by mymidlifecrisis / 09/08/2016 at 12:53am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

by Thatgirl112 / 09/07/2016 at 11:59pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend's dick got stuck in the wrong hole. And by wrong hole I mean the pool filter. FML

by AnxiousCucumber / 09/07/2016 at 4:41pm / United States (California) / Intimacy