FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was sitting on the floor petting my cat. Something that felt like a rock was jabbing into my leg so I reached down to remove it. It was an ancient, rock-hard piece of dung. FML

by sw2f2fchik612 / 08/03/2016 at 10:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

by justplaindumb / 08/03/2016 at 8:48pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

by ButItWasRareDad! / 08/03/2016 at 6:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and am single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML

by aurelj1 / 08/03/2016 at 3:59pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

by Ummm / 08/03/2016 at 3:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

by damn you Ambien / 08/03/2016 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a letter from my old bank saying I owe them over 400 dollars. I closed the account 3 months ago, or at least I thought I did. The teller never finished closing it and I've been getting hammered with maintenance fees and overdrafts on an account I didn't even want anymore. FML

by vxdragon23 / 08/03/2016 at 12:48am / United States (New York) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

by nullpointer / 08/03/2016 at 12:38am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

by shikushiku / 08/02/2016 at 11:12pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

by BatBee / 08/02/2016 at 10:29pm / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

by Jay703 / 08/02/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals