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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

#20723415
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40613) - you deserved it (2563)

On 06/13/2013 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I tried to lift my girlfriend and spin her around like in a Rom-Com. I started the spin, then heard a pop. The pain caused me to yelp and fall to the floor, dropping her on top of me. I dislocated my kneecap trying to be romantic. She only weighs about 90 lbs. FML

#20723365
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41227) - you deserved it (10188)

On 06/13/2013 at 11:13am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

#20723014
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48557) - you deserved it (2583)

On 06/13/2013 at 3:05am - health - by _Tatyana_ - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, a bug buzzed into my ear. In response, I punched myself in the face. FML

#20722786
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32235) - you deserved it (23877)

On 06/13/2013 at 12:22am - misc - by sugarysofalof - United States (Colorado)

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

#20722030
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41519) - you deserved it (9203)

On 06/12/2013 at 5:45pm - misc - by MsGlaDos - United States (Texas)

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

#20721670
241 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32724) - you deserved it (59988)

On 06/12/2013 at 2:39pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Indiana)

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

#20721539
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46201) - you deserved it (3493)

On 06/12/2013 at 1:33pm - health - by unknown - United States (California)

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

#20721457
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49012) - you deserved it (6894)

On 06/12/2013 at 12:47pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

#20721430
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53723) - you deserved it (2669)

On 06/12/2013 at 12:27pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

#20721311
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50762) - you deserved it (4918)

On 06/12/2013 at 10:56am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

#20720952
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42808) - you deserved it (4144)

On 06/12/2013 at 2:21am - kids - by firestar772 - United States (California)

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

#20720945
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50526) - you deserved it (3426)

On 06/12/2013 at 2:10am - misc - by Are you f*cking kidding me (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old, broken, and cheap." I put the tape there to avoid damaging the wires. FML

#20720827
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37217) - you deserved it (10970)

On 06/12/2013 at 12:59am - money - by why mom, why? - United States (California)



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