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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my husband and I locked our keys in the car. Our only spare is in the drawer with all our sex toys. So we either had to get our oldest go in the drawer and get them to bring to us or walk the 12 miles home. My feet will never recover from that walk. FML

#21459919
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15521) - you deserved it (21166)

On 08/24/2015 at 12:25am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, a homeless man asked me for some change. Not having any cash, I gave him a gift card for the restaurant I work at. When I got home I realized I gave him my credit card. FML

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

#21459843
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17320) - you deserved it (7391)

On 08/23/2015 at 9:40pm - misc - by JadeDemolition (woman) - United States (California)

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

#21459659
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12702) - you deserved it (12276)

On 08/23/2015 at 12:46pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

#21459620
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21687) - you deserved it (2416)

On 08/23/2015 at 10:03am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

#21459591
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21136) - you deserved it (2053)

On 08/23/2015 at 6:22am - love - by dumped (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML

#21459438
162 comments

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

#21459236
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19955) - you deserved it (5777)

On 08/22/2015 at 8:21am - work - by BryanTazed - United States (Virginia)

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

#21459180
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22125) - you deserved it (2600)

On 08/22/2015 at 3:30am - animals - by yooitscallo (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

#21459168
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22921) - you deserved it (3017)

On 08/22/2015 at 2:58am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

#21459115
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24411) - you deserved it (3503)

On 08/21/2015 at 11:59pm - love - by cuckoo (man) - United States (Alabama)

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

#21459013
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22414) - you deserved it (1567)

On 08/21/2015 at 8:29pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)



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