FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

by considering murder / 03/25/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch it because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2016 at 1:05pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2016 at 12:05pm / United States / Health

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

by madbabynoel / 03/25/2016 at 11:06am / United States (California) / Love

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

by mel / 03/25/2016 at 9:20am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

by sorkin15 / 03/24/2016 at 5:06pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

by goddamn chicken subs / 03/24/2016 at 12:51pm / United States / Health

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2016 at 11:23am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I was emailing a government employee at the place I'm hoping to get hired by. I realized too late I had been emailing her with my personal email address, which is rather jokey and unprofessional. She noticed and started referring to me as that. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2016 at 1:25am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML

by bg4545 / 03/23/2016 at 11:39pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

by thegirlwiththedumbassbf / 03/23/2016 at 6:58pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 6:48pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Nebraska) / Health