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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

#21173408
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45064) - you deserved it (4493)

On 06/13/2014 at 3:13pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Alaska)

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

#21173084
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45437) - you deserved it (5441)

On 06/13/2014 at 5:27am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my two cats decided to have a brawl on top of me. I was just trying to get to sleep. Now I'm covered in scratches. FML

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

#21171761
212 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41303) - you deserved it (9944) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 06/12/2014 at 1:02am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

#21171266
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42618) - you deserved it (5091)

On 06/11/2014 at 6:46pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

#21171240
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45090) - you deserved it (6824)

On 06/11/2014 at 6:20pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

#21171119
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40071) - you deserved it (4272)

On 06/11/2014 at 4:36pm - misc - by ldrik1 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

#21170183
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41982) - you deserved it (8956)

On 06/10/2014 at 10:07pm - animals - by Sleepdeprived (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

#21170087
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49159) - you deserved it (8209)

On 06/10/2014 at 8:39pm - kids - by idiotson - United States (New York)

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

#21169704
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45754) - you deserved it (6140)

On 06/10/2014 at 2:29pm - love - by fartbucket51995129565 (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

#21169011
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48298) - you deserved it (5692)

On 06/09/2014 at 11:30pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

#21168914
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38287) - you deserved it (6366)

On 06/09/2014 at 10:46pm - misc - by Where is it coming from?! (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML



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