FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was in the gym waiting for my boyfriend while he played racquetball. I had to listen to old men talk about their prostates for 15 minutes. FML

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

by Shock / 03/21/2016 at 4:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Work

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

by pantless / 03/21/2016 at 2:57pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my new bunny decided she is only going to eat carrots. If I put anything else in her food bowl, she viciously attacks the bowl until all of the food has spilled out. FML

by an adorable devil / 03/21/2016 at 2:52am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

by Hotdamn / 03/21/2016 at 12:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

by I hate my brother / 03/20/2016 at 2:53pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

by khannnn / 03/20/2016 at 2:25pm / United States / Work

Today, for what has seemed to be the hundredth time, my labeled bagged lunch was stolen from the fridge at my workplace. I stormed into my boss's office ready to complain, only to find him eating it. FML

by Jake Leiter / 03/20/2016 at 2:12pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2016 at 2:24am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2016 at 1:13am / United States (Idaho) / Animals

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

by Anonymous / 03/19/2016 at 10:05pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

by Qwe / 03/19/2016 at 9:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Money

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

by Jack.mercado / 03/19/2016 at 12:58pm / United States / Transportation