FMLs submitted from United States

Today, the 8 year old that I babysit every week told me that it was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend while he has a girlfriend. I got burned by a 3rd grader. FML

by Babysitter Probs / 11/27/2016 at 12:58am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2016 at 8:17am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

by Florida / 11/23/2016 at 10:04pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

by Wet Britches / 11/23/2016 at 8:32pm / United States (Maine) / Animals

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

by CloroxDoggo / 11/23/2016 at 7:23pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

by foodsicknessinATL / 11/23/2016 at 7:08pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

by porcelainleigh / 11/23/2016 at 2:41pm / United States / Love

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

by don't cry over spilled milk / 11/23/2016 at 9:33am / United States (Alaska) / Kids

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

by KismetSiren / 11/23/2016 at 5:30am / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

by funnyERstory / 11/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I had four separate allergic reactions. The first from the pillow at the hotel I was staying at, the second and third from two separate ice cream parlors due to cross-contamination, and the fourth from peanut dust in the air on the plane ride home from my vacation. FML

by Allergies suck / 11/22/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Connecticut) / Health

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

by Husband / 11/22/2016 at 9:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Holidays

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

by buttsmcgee / 11/22/2016 at 2:05am / United States (Oregon) / Money