FMLs submitted from United States

Today, as I was taking a shower, I felt something run down my back. Assuming it was water, I lathered up my loofah and scrubbed my back with it, only to hear a gross crunching sound. I pulled back my loofah to see a smushed, twitching cockroach that I had smeared on my back. FML

by kittywings / 04/28/2016 at 9:14pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

by welcome to the neighborhood / 04/28/2016 at 7:35pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Turns out we only have one thing in common: we would both bang Hillary Clinton. FML

by Anon / 04/28/2016 at 4:27pm / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

by AintEasyBeinWheezy / 04/28/2016 at 2:26pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

by shit / 04/28/2016 at 7:05am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé tells me he loves me about 100 times a day. At first it was cute, but now it's getting really annoying. We can't have a conversation without him throwing in about 10 "I love you"s. I'm beginning to not want to talk to him anymore. FML

by Jane / 04/27/2016 at 11:58pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

by Whyme? / 04/27/2016 at 10:39pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my somewhat flamboyant behavior may have given people the wrong impression when my classmate tried to set me up with one of her male friends. I've been trying to work up the courage to ask her out all semester. FML

by Gaylord / 04/27/2016 at 10:17pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, a new girl showed up at my school and everyone really seems to be intrigued about her. I've been told at least five times today that she is the hotter version of me. FML

by kaleighf / 04/27/2016 at 9:46pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2016 at 1:32pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2016 at 6:39am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I tried to impress a girl I like by sliding down the rails of our school's stairs. My foot got snagged and I ended up with a broken ankle. FML

by brandogg / 04/27/2016 at 5:33am / United States (New Mexico) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

by Sick As Hell / 04/27/2016 at 3:22am / United States (Iowa) / Health