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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

#21446817
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20841) - you deserved it (2822)

On 07/25/2015 at 12:20am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML

#21446754
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29003) - you deserved it (4957)

On 07/24/2015 at 10:04pm - kids - by Sad Mom - United States (Texas)

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

#21446728
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12754) - you deserved it (23908)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm - work - by suspended (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

#21446710
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28978) - you deserved it (4796)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:12pm - intimacy - by strangely - United States (California)

Today, I was hanging out with my neighbor. He asked me if I wanted to play Twister, and I said no because I thought it would be weird. What was his response? "C'mon. You can leave if it gets sexual". FML

Today, as I was working at a bakery, a woman stormed in, cut in front of the line, and began yelling at me. She claimed I didn't give her a sandwich earlier and demanded a refund. She got the refund out of my paycheck, and as she was leaving she muttered, "Ha, works every time." FML

#21446622
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27809) - you deserved it (1801)

On 07/24/2015 at 4:08pm - work - by jb100 - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

#21446581
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27057) - you deserved it (2756)

On 07/24/2015 at 2:54pm - misc - by HAIL SITHIS (woman) - United States

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

#21446500
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29696) - you deserved it (1648)

On 07/24/2015 at 12:05pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

#21446247
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24015) - you deserved it (9812)

On 07/23/2015 at 10:33pm - intimacy - by stargate25 (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

#21446242
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25028) - you deserved it (3960)

On 07/23/2015 at 10:13pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I had to explain to my boss that I was late to work because somehow my hand slipped when I was brushing my teeth, and I hit myself in the eye with the brush. I had to remove my contacts, wash my eye, and find my glasses. He didn't believe me, but at least my eye is minty fresh. FML

#21446192
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22403) - you deserved it (2086)

On 07/23/2015 at 8:12pm - work - by sarika (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

#21446059
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25649) - you deserved it (2642)

On 07/23/2015 at 3:00pm - work - by Ma_Nikka (woman) - United States (California)

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

#21446038
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21187) - you deserved it (2704)

On 07/23/2015 at 2:28pm - animals - by killjoyx - United States (Virginia)



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