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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

#21340989
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31852) - you deserved it (4561)

On 01/20/2015 at 2:54pm - intimacy - by fun in functioning, I suppose - United States (Mississippi)

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

#21340847
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29333) - you deserved it (2289)

On 01/20/2015 at 8:23am - work - by klaatu barada nikto (man) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

#21340725
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28629) - you deserved it (4337)

On 01/20/2015 at 1:14am - misc - by iamamermaid (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

#21340673
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28947) - you deserved it (3494)

On 01/19/2015 at 11:42pm - intimacy - by BDSM4Jesus - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

#21340194
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28850) - you deserved it (6322)

On 01/19/2015 at 12:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

#21340142
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31111) - you deserved it (6417)

On 01/19/2015 at 9:34am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend when I began dozing off. I was then awoken by an explosive fart. It was me. FML

#21340117
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29436) - you deserved it (5031)

On 01/19/2015 at 8:05am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

#21340022
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30213) - you deserved it (3656)

On 01/19/2015 at 1:34am - misc - by momac86 - United States

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

#21339980
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35324) - you deserved it (5290)

On 01/19/2015 at 12:35am - intimacy - by anon - United States (Texas)

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

#21339798
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28126) - you deserved it (2436)

On 01/18/2015 at 8:18pm - intimacy - by -.- - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I went to a job interview. It was my last shot of getting a job before my savings run dry. It all went well until I was asked why I wanted to join the company. I got flustered and stuttered, "Because I um, I like money?" The guy gave me the most insincere "We'll be in touch." ever. FML

#21339665
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26084) - you deserved it (8045)

On 01/18/2015 at 4:29pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, my parents threatened to take away my college funds. Why? Because I complained about my 10 pm curfew during break as a freshman in college. FML

#21339229
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30113) - you deserved it (4586)

On 01/17/2015 at 10:50pm - money - by sophiae123 - United States (Michigan)

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

#21339043
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22691) - you deserved it (9427)

On 01/17/2015 at 5:30pm - animals - by bad luck Bianca - United States (Texas)



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