FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML

by NotFromAustralia / 07/08/2016 at 1:25am / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I was driving with my little brother when out of nowhere he yelled at me to stop. Thinking it was urgent, I slammed my breaks, almost getting rammed from behind. Why did he yell for me to stop? The Pokémon GO said there was a sparrow near us. FML

by PurplePanda_1927 / 07/07/2016 at 10:26pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had my guy over for some sexy times. Things stopped before they even started. I watched him pick his nose then wipe it on my freshly changed sheets. He denied it when I called him out on it. FML

by Ananomouse / 07/07/2016 at 5:31pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, after 22 hours running around the hospital, I found some time to sit still and have a sandwich. My attending physician walked by and commented that I must not have enough work to do. The same person who 12 hours ago said finding time to eat was a skill, since I was eating on the go. FML

by AverageAvarice / 07/07/2016 at 4:09pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

by mulligan / 07/07/2016 at 1:38pm / United States / Love

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

by anonymous / 07/07/2016 at 11:24am / United States / Work

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

by tiredmom / 07/07/2016 at 11:03am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five-year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

by boobswerehere / 07/07/2016 at 3:15am / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, after 6 months away, I came home to find out my mom has essentially untrained my dog by spoiling him rotten. She has, however, taught him to fart on command. FML

by LadyGoombah / 07/06/2016 at 9:54pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

by ClairvoyantVamp / 07/06/2016 at 7:09pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

by ThisChick / 07/06/2016 at 1:59pm / United States (Louisiana) / Money

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

by staceyymaee / 07/06/2016 at 1:47pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

by dumbmotherinlaw / 07/06/2016 at 1:29pm / United States (California) / Holidays