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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML

#21341221
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30329) - you deserved it (4248)

On 01/20/2015 at 9:05pm - kids - by frozenpoo - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

#21341213
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19482) - you deserved it (18235)

On 01/20/2015 at 8:56pm - work - by kingkobrastrikes (man) - United States

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

#21341091
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28598) - you deserved it (2383)

On 01/20/2015 at 5:52pm - work - by M. Night Shytefuck (man) - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

#21341011
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24952) - you deserved it (4745)

On 01/20/2015 at 3:24pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

#21340989
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31843) - you deserved it (4560)

On 01/20/2015 at 2:54pm - intimacy - by fun in functioning, I suppose - United States (Mississippi)

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

#21340847
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29333) - you deserved it (2289)

On 01/20/2015 at 8:23am - work - by klaatu barada nikto (man) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

#21340725
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28629) - you deserved it (4338)

On 01/20/2015 at 1:14am - misc - by iamamermaid (woman) - United States (California)

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

#21340673
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28944) - you deserved it (3494)

On 01/19/2015 at 11:42pm - intimacy - by BDSM4Jesus - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

#21340194
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28848) - you deserved it (6322)

On 01/19/2015 at 12:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

#21340142
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31101) - you deserved it (6416)

On 01/19/2015 at 9:34am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend when I began dozing off. I was then awoken by an explosive fart. It was me. FML

#21340117
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29436) - you deserved it (5031)

On 01/19/2015 at 8:05am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

#21340022
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30212) - you deserved it (3656)

On 01/19/2015 at 1:34am - misc - by momac86 - United States

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

#21339980
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35311) - you deserved it (5290)

On 01/19/2015 at 12:35am - intimacy - by anon - United States (Texas)



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