FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

by stoolgal / 09/23/2016 at 2:19am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

by ljennette25 / 09/23/2016 at 12:51am / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

by Rowaelin16 / 09/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

by nopenopenopenope / 09/22/2016 at 11:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

by broken / 09/22/2016 at 9:52pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

by LoadingMeows / 09/22/2016 at 9:17pm / United States / Work

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

by Worky Workerton / 09/22/2016 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

by Battlebarney / 09/22/2016 at 6:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

by ArsonistsLullaby / 09/21/2016 at 5:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

by swee t / 09/21/2016 at 3:02pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

by nekal / 09/21/2016 at 12:50pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

by Alyssa / 09/21/2016 at 3:17am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that my state is passing a bill regulating cow "emissions". Basically, we need to regulate cow farts. I live in a farming town. FML

by ang3l4 / 09/21/2016 at 1:28am / United States (California) / Animals