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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML

#21360309
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30146) - you deserved it (7579)

On 02/21/2015 at 10:12am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

#21360123
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28391) - you deserved it (3754)

On 02/20/2015 at 11:25pm - animals - by tulisa (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I noticed our weekly biohazardous waste pickup didn't occur as usual at the surgery center where I work. After calling, the company informed me they were short staffed and couldn't make it out 'til next week. Guess that amputated finger is just going to marinate another week. FML

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

#21360063
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26766) - you deserved it (2125)

On 02/20/2015 at 9:54pm - animals - by fml (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML

#21359996
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32591) - you deserved it (2685)

On 02/20/2015 at 7:35pm - misc - by pissed - United States (Illinois)

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

#21359968
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32374) - you deserved it (6141)

On 02/20/2015 at 6:49pm - animals - by anonymous - United States (Arkansas)

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

#21359908
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29731) - you deserved it (2484)

On 02/20/2015 at 4:26pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

#21359857
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25452) - you deserved it (2816)

On 02/20/2015 at 2:25pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

#21359797
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35153) - you deserved it (2396)

On 02/20/2015 at 12:56pm - work - by blahblah1993 - United States (Texas)

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

#21359722
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33220) - you deserved it (4545)

On 02/20/2015 at 8:35am - love - by FunGhoost - United States (California)

Today, I found a phone in a fitting room. I called the number that said "home" to let the owner know that I was going to give it to the store's manager. Apparently the husband didn't know his wife was out shopping and "blowing all his earnings". FML

#21359482
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28227) - you deserved it (2236)

On 02/19/2015 at 10:16pm - money - by Enslaved (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

#21359436
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30271) - you deserved it (4427)

On 02/19/2015 at 8:46pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my extremely hot coworker told me that I smelled good. At a complete loss for words, I replied, "Oh, I'm sure I don't." FML

#21359386
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27457) - you deserved it (4813)

On 02/19/2015 at 7:14pm - misc - by thisiswhyimavirgin (man) - United States (Texas)



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  • Hi there Friday, great to see you again! What are we going to talk about this week? It's the same question that most people ask themselves while strolling into their usual bar on a Friday night, on their way to…

Friday 27 March 2015

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