FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

by sigh / 03/29/2016 at 12:57am / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

by nothealthy / 03/29/2016 at 12:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

by angrypetowner / 03/28/2016 at 11:24pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals

Today, I put up a sign asking motorcyclists to slow down near horses, as the noise can spook them. While I was riding near the sign, a biker slowed to read it, looked at me, then revved his engine loudly and raced off. My horse bucked me off into some brambles and bolted. FML

by BriarFace / 03/28/2016 at 9:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML

by Anonymous / 03/28/2016 at 4:23pm / United States / Love

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

by GrumpyBunny / 03/28/2016 at 3:27am / United States (Ohio) / Money

Today, while brushing my teeth, a fly flew into my mouth. It got caught in my electric toothbrush and was sucked into the circular bristles, getting crushed between the brush and my braces. I now have fly guts and goo stuck between my brackets, and I can't get rid of the taste. FML

by PackardBell / 03/27/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

by whereismyring / 03/27/2016 at 8:47pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2016 at 5:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

by in this day and age.... / 03/27/2016 at 12:53pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my phone back after bringing it in to get a crack in the screen repaired. The crack is fixed, but now the touch screen doesn't work and it won't connect to the Internet. I essentially paid to have my phone broken even more. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2016 at 10:36am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, my drunk dad told me I'm smart enough that any guy could overlook the fact that I'm fat, but not smart enough that they could overlook how ugly I am. Gee, thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2016 at 8:27am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

by yova / 03/27/2016 at 4:42am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous