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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML

#21324667
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32738) - you deserved it (5104)

On 12/26/2014 at 12:36pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

#21324616
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25980) - you deserved it (3200)

On 12/26/2014 at 9:58am - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I told my father I'm going to a club with a friend and staying the night at my friend's place. He asked for my friend's name, number, and address so he knows where I'll be. I'm 30 years old. FML

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

#21324456
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34790) - you deserved it (2552)

On 12/26/2014 at 12:59am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Ohio)

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

#21324443
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16741) - you deserved it (47648)

On 12/26/2014 at 12:39am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

#21324253
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28407) - you deserved it (3494)

On 12/25/2014 at 8:24pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML

#21324090
31 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27201) - you deserved it (2172)

On 12/25/2014 at 4:00pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

#21324062
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31758) - you deserved it (2005)

On 12/25/2014 at 3:20pm - misc - by anon - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

#21323929
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31023) - you deserved it (2351)

On 12/25/2014 at 11:36am - kids - by BowTiesAr3Cool - United States (Texas)

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

#21323895
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31386) - you deserved it (2403)

On 12/25/2014 at 10:25am - work - by CalebNotShomo - United States (Texas)

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

#21323893
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32638) - you deserved it (3443)

On 12/25/2014 at 10:17am - intimacy - by whovian - United States (Maine)

Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML

#21323815
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29634) - you deserved it (2459)

On 12/25/2014 at 6:47am - misc - by dunn76 - United States

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

#21323779
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33933) - you deserved it (13314)

On 12/25/2014 at 4:13am - intimacy - by VCDUDE11FTW - United States (Ohio)



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