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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

#21074688
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38301) - you deserved it (8501)

On 03/01/2014 at 3:23am - animals - by lacy - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

#21073990
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32583) - you deserved it (5876)

On 02/28/2014 at 12:13pm - health - by loserr (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my car was found with a smashed window and a torn-apart steering column, in order to hot-wire it. The thief didn't get away with my car, though. The engine was in the garage, where I've been working on it for two days. FML

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

#21073315
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24167) - you deserved it (53307)

On 02/27/2014 at 4:46pm - misc - by well SHIT (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

#21073274
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35574) - you deserved it (5093)

On 02/27/2014 at 3:58pm - animals - by ricard0 (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was supposed to be studying for an important exam. My parents decided to make me go to a surprise birthday party instead. We weren't allowed to leave until the party was over. The party was for the dog. FML

#21073158
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38137) - you deserved it (3145)

On 02/27/2014 at 1:30pm - animals - by SchoolFMLs (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

#21073034
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16753) - you deserved it (53144)

On 02/27/2014 at 9:34am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

#21072961
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32883) - you deserved it (11383)

On 02/27/2014 at 6:59am - work - by doodler - United States (Texas)

Today, at my job as a librarian at an old library, I was shelving books. Things were great until one entire bookshelf fell over. The damage wasn't too bad. Then the rest fell down. FML

#21072866
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35037) - you deserved it (3082)

On 02/27/2014 at 1:21am - work - by FallCameEarly (man) - United States (California)

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

#21072669
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34772) - you deserved it (2910)

On 02/26/2014 at 10:28pm - work - by Lori_ftw - United States (California)

Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML

#21072333
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39063) - you deserved it (5327)

On 02/26/2014 at 4:42pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

#21072281
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35058) - you deserved it (3973)

On 02/26/2014 at 3:55pm - misc - by IVOaf (woman) - United States

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

#21072191
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40859) - you deserved it (7469)

On 02/26/2014 at 1:53pm - intimacy - by lovely (woman) - United States (California)



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  • "If drawing stuff is the food of love, then get a better pencil." That's not a real expression, I just made it up because I needed a good opening line. It's not even that good of an opening line, but…

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