FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

by Pissed / 06/20/2016 at 3:27pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I found out I got a 97 on my physics final exam. I was curious about the question I missed, so I went up to my teacher and asked. He was very confused and checked my grade again before telling me, "Oh my bad, it was meant to be a 79." FML

by Jokkim / 06/20/2016 at 2:24pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

by Muchacha22 / 06/20/2016 at 1:25pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her I was at my dad's house, she clarified; she meant her husband of one year, not my actual father who has raised me for the past 25 years. Apparently, he feels "left out." FML

Today, I was going to take my father to dinner for Father's Day. It all would have gone according to plan, but he saw my Facebook post about a 12-hour stomach virus I had yesterday, so he went out fishing with his friends instead without telling me because he didn't want to catch my "disease." FML

by crispyjello69 / 06/19/2016 at 7:02pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2016 at 4:06pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

by dammitRandy / 06/19/2016 at 1:18pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, I returned home from college. I found out that my dad ran over my cat months ago and tried to cover it up by having her stuffed. I found it "her" on my bed when I got home. They think that it's sweet that they stuffed the cat they killed. FML

by sadblufly / 06/18/2016 at 11:19pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

by Mexican / 06/18/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

by RIP / 06/18/2016 at 7:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2016 at 12:16pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2016 at 10:09am / United States (California) / Work

Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML

by pass me the fucking rope / 06/18/2016 at 9:17am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous