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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend randomly confessed to basically having a "phobia" of monogamy. But don't worry, she defensively assured me she's never ever cheated on me, even though I never said she had, so I guess that's okay then. FML

#21417890
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24422) - you deserved it (2039)

On 05/30/2015 at 1:40am - love - by well then (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

#21417861
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27082) - you deserved it (2410)

On 05/30/2015 at 1:40am - love - by L_lives (man) - United States (California)

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

#21417868
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26432) - you deserved it (3117)

On 05/30/2015 at 12:23am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

#21417834
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27595) - you deserved it (1805)

On 05/29/2015 at 11:07pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Oregon)

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

#21417809
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12366) - you deserved it (35454)

On 05/29/2015 at 10:31pm - misc - by smartass - United States (Texas)

Today, on my second day as a lifeguard, I locked myself out of the pool. My angry guests and I had to wait for 45 minutes for my manager to arrive and unlock the gate. FML

#21417788
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23863) - you deserved it (5191)

On 05/29/2015 at 9:34pm - work - by explosivepeach - United States (Maryland)

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

#21417667
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15260) - you deserved it (23451)

On 05/29/2015 at 4:15pm - health - by not a kiddy fiddler really (man) - United States (California)

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

#21417547
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25273) - you deserved it (4144)

On 05/29/2015 at 10:23am - health - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

#21417394
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25935) - you deserved it (4758)

On 05/29/2015 at 12:16am - misc - by idonthavereligion (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

#21417382
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28464) - you deserved it (2912)

On 05/28/2015 at 11:39pm - intimacy - by shmoooopie (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

#21417148
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29467) - you deserved it (4739)

On 05/28/2015 at 2:05pm - intimacy - by MarieAmber18 (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

#21417105
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24318) - you deserved it (2935)

On 05/28/2015 at 11:40am - misc - by svunimportant - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I got engaged. When I called my father, who is out of state for a few days, to tell him, his response was, "What'd you do that for?" FML



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