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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

#2760
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8055) - you deserved it (19624)

On 01/27/2009 at 1:33am - love - by dlova - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

#2743
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17760) - you deserved it (1686)

On 01/26/2009 at 9:18pm - health - by ouch - United States (Washington)

Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

#2742
20 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20194) - you deserved it (6465)

On 01/26/2009 at 8:54pm - love - by CaptainSosuke - United States (California)

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

#2741
10 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16289) - you deserved it (2548)

On 01/26/2009 at 8:32pm - love - by kai - United States (California)

Today, I got bored on the toilet and decided to paint my nails. I ended up having to wait half an hour to wipe. FML

#2738
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6922) - you deserved it (61253)

On 01/26/2009 at 8:17pm - misc - by crazyvulva9216 - United States (California)

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

#2732
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18670) - you deserved it (3926)

On 01/26/2009 at 7:21pm - love - by soundbox - United States (Florida)

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

#2727
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26303) - you deserved it (2643)

On 01/26/2009 at 6:44pm - misc - by glittercat - United States (Missouri)

Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

#2721
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5464) - you deserved it (29519)

On 01/26/2009 at 6:14pm - misc - by godhatesme - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

#2715
14 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17801) - you deserved it (4520)

On 01/26/2009 at 5:56pm - love - by LDL - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

#2709
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21091) - you deserved it (1840)

On 01/26/2009 at 5:19pm - misc - by Rothaar - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

#2705
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28601) - you deserved it (6785)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:45pm - intimacy - by bad surprise - United States (New York)

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

#2696
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15525) - you deserved it (67839)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:09pm - intimacy - by Boredom - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

#2681
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15579) - you deserved it (7779)

On 01/26/2009 at 2:08pm - misc - by Jacobro - United States (Connecticut)



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