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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

#11750
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44798) - you deserved it (6149)

On 02/06/2009 at 2:54pm - intimacy - by beerpong26 - United States (Ohio)

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

#11698
9 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20561) - you deserved it (2602)

On 02/06/2009 at 2:25pm - misc - by Lizz (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

#11697
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (77685) - you deserved it (17040)

On 02/06/2009 at 2:23pm - misc - by Noname - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

#11684
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22312) - you deserved it (2297)

On 02/06/2009 at 2:16pm - misc - by alone (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

#11602
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11161) - you deserved it (45180)

On 02/06/2009 at 1:25pm - misc - by Noname (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

#11033
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31462) - you deserved it (2826)

On 02/05/2009 at 8:30pm - misc - by Fag_Hag (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

#10978
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8030) - you deserved it (47989)

On 02/05/2009 at 7:55pm - misc - by frenchy (woman) - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

#10740
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34480) - you deserved it (3660)

On 02/05/2009 at 6:15pm - misc - by Noname (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

#10699
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6819) - you deserved it (30605)

On 02/05/2009 at 5:56pm - misc - by Foot In Mouth (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

#10643
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42831) - you deserved it (1999)

On 02/05/2009 at 5:34pm - misc - by CB4 (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML

#10627
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62425) - you deserved it (2640)

On 02/05/2009 at 5:29pm - misc - by nycgirl424 (woman) - United States (New York)



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