FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

by eebie jeebies / 05/30/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 10:32pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

by ouch / 05/29/2016 at 7:27pm / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

by Humpday / 05/29/2016 at 5:36pm / United States / Love

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

by alucas3 / 05/29/2016 at 4:14pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I received an email asking for a Skype interview at 11 am sharp. I waited for half an hour. He never even accepted my contact request. FML

by Heatherrolstonn / 05/29/2016 at 4:13pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

by Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow / 05/29/2016 at 4:06pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 8:06am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

by yamblam5 / 05/28/2016 at 11:32pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2016 at 10:20pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

by jnp414 / 05/28/2016 at 9:11pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Animals

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

by Anonymous / 05/28/2016 at 9:00am / United States (Georgia) / Work