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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was sitting in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through I hear a tap on my driver's window. Its a police officer. FML

#192974
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28107) - you deserved it (138803)

On 03/03/2009 at 1:29am - intimacy - by imanidiot (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

#192617
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43109) - you deserved it (5392)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:55am - misc - by lucy (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

#192383
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46235) - you deserved it (4895)

On 03/03/2009 at 12:37am - misc - by buryuntime (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

#190354
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35535) - you deserved it (30362)

On 03/02/2009 at 10:21pm - love - by badtrip (man) - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

#190335
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43193) - you deserved it (6872)

On 03/02/2009 at 10:20pm - misc - by nerd (man) - United States (Kansas)

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

#188940
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (74538) - you deserved it (3475)

On 03/02/2009 at 8:57pm - money - by Vahootie (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

#187755
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53030) - you deserved it (2327)

On 03/02/2009 at 7:36pm - misc - by lexibabe (woman) - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

#187385
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14743) - you deserved it (101242)

On 03/02/2009 at 7:11pm - money - by hlev24 (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

#187356
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46380) - you deserved it (14267)

On 03/02/2009 at 7:09pm - misc - by himtopia19 (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

#186916
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37216) - you deserved it (8603)

On 03/02/2009 at 6:38pm - misc - by Kelly (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

#185544
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72864) - you deserved it (15792)

On 03/02/2009 at 4:51pm - love - by ohmygoodness (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

#185358
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (86169) - you deserved it (3889)

On 03/02/2009 at 4:35pm - misc - by Noname - United States (Illinois)

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

#185319
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12802) - you deserved it (49145)

On 03/02/2009 at 4:32pm - animals - by pacificbeach - United States (California)



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