FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

by garrett / 09/23/2009 at 4:14am / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

by fatty / 09/23/2009 at 2:47am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

by GreatAim / 09/23/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 10:31pm / United States (Missouri) / Transportation

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

by cchandler / 09/22/2009 at 9:10pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 8:27pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, my vegetarian housemate cleaned the fridge. He threw away all of the meat in our fridge and made a nice sign stating "Meat is Murder". I was storing roughly $1000 worth of filet mignon steaks and seafood for my sister's wedding. FML

by carnivore / 09/22/2009 at 5:48pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of enduring my neighbors relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

by bellaellaella / 09/22/2009 at 2:10pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going to take my boyfriend to Napa. It's my birthday and I wanted to do something big since last year my fiancée called off the wedding. My boyfriend just broke up with me because I'm "clearly not over" my ex. This makes two consecutive birthdays alone in romantic hotels I paid for. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 12:27pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2009 at 10:12am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

by kimmybr / 09/22/2009 at 5:36am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

by robbedonCTA / 09/22/2009 at 2:20am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I was in class just taking notes and minding my own business. The teacher has already called my parents twice complaining about me. As we are taking 3 pages of notes she grabs mine and rips them up, saying that she is sick and tired of me drawing. I was drawing the graphs on the board. FML

by wait..what / 09/22/2009 at 1:15am / United States (Alabama) / Miscellaneous