FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

by TasedAndDazed / 10/09/2009 at 11:05am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

by StillDrowsy / 10/09/2009 at 8:29am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I went to the mall to pick up the 1 carat diamond my husband recently purchased for me after 6 years of being together. My mom called, I answered my cell. Later, I realized that the baggie with the diamond was no longer in my pocket. It fell out when I answered my phone. FML

by jeffswife / 10/09/2009 at 3:51am / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

by whitedevil / 10/09/2009 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend told me he always thought the female orgasm was an urban legend. FML

by 310 / 10/09/2009 at 2:42am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, three months after finally ending a long relationship with the love of my life because he was cheating on me, we are now seeing each other again. And cheating on our new significant others with each other. FML

by oliviakelly25 / 10/09/2009 at 2:41am / United States (Idaho) / Love

Today, I was refereeing a kid's soccer game, and noticed that on the field next to me was a referee I hated working with. I told the other referee I was working with that he was the laziest and most dumbass referee I had ever worked with. She then slapped me, and told me that it was her grandpa. FML

by y0uw1shy0ukn3wm3 / 10/09/2009 at 1:48am / United States / Work

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

by rhythmbandit / 10/09/2009 at 12:22am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

by StellaSanguina / 10/08/2009 at 11:17pm / United States (Kansas) / Money

Today, I discovered that the school I transferred from last year is closing. All the people that I so happily escaped from and left behind at that school will now be flocking to my new school senior year. Faaaantastic. FML

by Augh. / 10/08/2009 at 10:30pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

by branwen5 / 10/08/2009 at 10:26pm / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML

by Anonymous / 10/08/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

by Rage / 10/08/2009 at 1:31pm / United States (Texas) / Love