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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

#99356
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28250) - you deserved it (78109)

On 02/21/2009 at 9:07pm - intimacy - by svet (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

#98981
27 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42386) - you deserved it (3806)

On 02/21/2009 at 8:20pm - misc - by stinker (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

#98972
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12007) - you deserved it (68387)

On 02/21/2009 at 8:19pm - money - by Noname (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

#98933
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54168) - you deserved it (3777)

On 02/21/2009 at 8:15pm - health - by Vince (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, while working on a carpentry project with my friend at 2am, and enjoying some beers, I cut my hand and realized I needed medical attention. Neither of us being in driving shape, I knocked on my parents bedroom door to request a ride. I was told I had to wait for them to "finish." FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

#98497
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (81542) - you deserved it (6243)

On 02/21/2009 at 7:13pm - intimacy - by pchemist (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

#98260
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (69167) - you deserved it (2940)

On 02/21/2009 at 6:37pm - misc - by well then... (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

#98125
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37791) - you deserved it (9295)

On 02/21/2009 at 6:15pm - misc - by taperjeangirl - United States (Washington)

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

#97729
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (91839) - you deserved it (6886)

On 02/21/2009 at 5:24pm - intimacy - by Mike (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

#97434
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14346) - you deserved it (60322)

On 02/21/2009 at 4:43pm - misc - by Noname - United States (Texas)

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

#96443
39 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43927) - you deserved it (11562)

On 02/21/2009 at 2:23pm - love - by goddamitme (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

#94927
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44323) - you deserved it (2792)

On 02/21/2009 at 6:22am - work - by Lily (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

#94421
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7829) - you deserved it (44691)

On 02/21/2009 at 2:44am - animals - by Chubsley (man) - United States (Virginia)



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